I know we're halfway through the year already, so shut up. Don't tell me that we're halfway through because I already know.
I'd meant to make this a video at the beginning of the year, but things -- like my third hip -- got in the way. So here's a bit of awesome from the past, about the future:
This is Walt Mossberg; shut up.
Every year I like to offer my predictions for what will happen every year. If you check my record, you'll see I've been 100% accurate for 40 years, so pay attention to this list of 10 things that WILL happen within the next 12 months:
1. Apple - CEO Tim Cook will send iPad 4s out to tech journalists in new packaging that says "iPad 5" to see if they're even paying attention anymore, and will be saddened when everyone talks about how much better this new version is. His sadness will fail, however, when there's a massive sales spike.
2. Microsoft - Steve Ballmer will contemplate flinging himself off a roof a month after the announcement of the Xbox 720 -- the next version of the popular video game console slash media centre -- when a minor update to the Apple TV prompts everyone keeps talking about how they're winning the race for the living room even though 70 million Xbox 360s have been sold and the 720 will beat the Apple TV like King Kong mashing a dandelion.
3. RIM - RIM will finally release BB10, the next operating system for its Blackberry phones, which the company hopes will change its fortunes. The tech press will call it a failure the next day. Rim will be delisted on July 29, and if you live in the Kitchener-Waterloo area you'll be able to get some really cheap office furniture, and an only slightly used CEO, on August 16.
4. Tornadoes - There will be a tornado in June, which will cause some amount of property damage.
5. Google - Google Glasses will be released to wide acclaim but little usage, since the initial for-developers release will cost $1500. The first 3rd-party accessory will be released shortly after, which will be a Bluetooth-enabled video camera that attaches to your shoes to allow perverts to watch and share their upskirt videos in real time.
6. Scoble - Robert Scoble will interview Tom Cruise and the two will collapse into a singularity of infinite smugness that will destroy all of Silicon Valley, and will only be stopped when it gets clogged by a glut of hipsters who come to watch it destroy all the complicit sheeple there to take pictures of it.
7. Chrome - Google Chrome will reach version 100 in April, and nobody working on it will be able to name a single feature added after version 21.
8. Drones - Some lucky script-kiddies from Anonymous will manage to hack into a US military drone, causing millions of property damage and killing 5 people before the military shuts them down. In response, the NRA will call for drones to be positioned every 5 miles across the company to prevent other people from having access to drones.
9. Phones - Smartphones will continue to offer more functionality than featurephones, with no change in sight. People will continue to view Windows Phone as being about as useful as a feature phone, also with no change in sight.
10. Driverless cars - California and Nevada have legalized driverless cars, so 2013 will feature a rash of reports to 911 of ghost drivers operating in the US, culminating in at least two different ghost hunting shows doing episodes about them, at the end of which each will say that can't say that these marvels of modern technology aren't really just haunted.
This is the way the year will unfold. Believe it!
This has been Walt Mossberg. Shut up!